Mr. Gray

July 9th was two years from the date of my car accident. I barely thought about it, but my attorney called and asked me to come in. I thought he wanted to go over some questions for the deposition we recently schedueld.

Instead, he told me the defendant died.

We didn’t even get to talk to him. No one has spoken to him except his attorney, and even his attorney wasn’t able to find him, becuase he died in January. So for six months I have been waiting for answers and signed releases, hoping to make a connection, reaching for any sign that he cared about what happened to me that day and wanting understand what happened to him. But I have actually been corresponding with no one. It feels so empty. He’s the other half of that whole experience.

I don’t know what’s appropriate, even. To be this affected by the death of a man I never even met? I just wanted to see him. I wanted to understand. I wanted context for the moments in my day when I freeze as I picture a giant wheel coming through my window and my heart stops, remembering what it felt like to think I was going to die.

They say he had a stroke that day. I believe that’s true. Somewhere, I might have wanted to know if he was sorry. But more so, I think I wanted to tell him it was okay.