Brooke vs. Lady

At the risk of sounding desperate and pathetic, can I send this to the Angry Life Changing Email lady?

I’m not sure where it falls on the continuum between being rightfully assertive and crazy-angry, but it feels so good inside. That probably means I should keep it to myself. You know my policy, though: full disclosure. Here goes.

Dear Stacey:

I think you’re right. Clearly, I misunderstood the objective.

I wrote about life-changing moments. You are collecting LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS! The difference (I mean, besides the ALL CAPS which say: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY READ THIS!) is whether or not the alleged “moment” is accessible to the reader in his own life, or entirely out of his reach.

The thing about life changing moments, Stace (can I call you that?) is that they’re different for everyone, and they don’t typically happen with fireworks and a bullhorn, although I’ve heard that in some states an e-mail is sent confirming you’ve just had one. My friend got one. She lives in Arizona.

Anyway, I appreciate your feedback. I have appropriately renamed my collection of short stories: Unauthenticated Life Changing Moments.


PS. I’ve put together a quiz for anyone wondering if they’ve experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. Was your experience accompanied by a bright light? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

2. Did you see any Aliens? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

3. Did people around you congratulate you for your experience? If so, proceed to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

4. Have you been contacted by Oprah? If so, continue. If not, please skip to number 10.

5. Did your experience involve at least 3 of the following: a massive car accident, being dead for 40 minutes and coming back to life, inexplicably growing a pair of fairy wings, the realization that your father is actually your half-brother, a magic beanstalk, a 30-day stay in a drug/alcohol treatment facility, a close encounter with a poisonous snake, a chance meeting with Audrina Patrige from The Hills, a unicorn sighting. If so, continue to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

6. Have you ever felt like you had extraordinary powers but no one could see them but you? If so, continue to the next question. If not, skip to number 10.

7. Have you ever found yourself at “fork” in the road? If so, continue to the next question. If not, please skip to number 10.

8. While at the fork, did you feel a “tugging” over your soul? Were you inclined to begin narrating your own life out loud? If you answered yes to both questions, continue to number 9. If not, please skip to question 10.

9. Congratulations. You have officially experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please consider submitting your experience to our new line of books entitled, TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS.

10. I’m sorry, but you have not experienced a TRULY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. Please try again at a later date.


12 thoughts on “Brooke vs. Lady”

  1. good blogs. sorry about the rejection. i love your life changing moments and your reminder that not all life change (or even most) comes with fireworks. it’s in the small things that God uses. life change can come from rain the night i’ve returned from a slum, realizing the slum is made of mud and sewage which the rain would wash all over the hurting and hungry kids i’d just held. i’ll never hear rain drops the same again. that was a life changing moment, brought by simple rain clouds.

    missed you.





  3. as funny and life changing as it is..resist the urge. As someone told me recently, you never know how “connected” the writing world is. But thank you for writing the letter we all want to write


  4. OMG! I’VE HAD ONE! I’VE REALLY HAD ONE! Oh… wait… the bright lights and sirens just stopped. Geesh, someone just got a speeding ticket. Dang, it was SO CLOSE!


  5. Hahaha. Hilarious. And yes, she deserves to read that. Maybe that’ll be a life changing moment for her. And you can totally call her Stace.


  6. i say-whats the WORST that could happen from sending it? am i the devil on one shoulder? i hope so
    sorry that lady is lame


  7. you are f-ing (can i say f-ing?) hilarious… you’re writing would sure blow anything i could do out of the water! screw this lady and write your own book. i could personally sponsor you by requiring my high schoolers to read it, therefore making IPS order about 125 copies :)


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