So, I’ll just get to it. Lots of things are a little bit off. For starters, I am having a hard time balancing. It’s (surprise!) difficult to experience, article-write and express my own sentiment all at the same time. I sort of thought this would all be in the bag. For optimal quality, each task requires being fully present, and my brain is evidently only capable of two things at a time. I can experience and internalize, but not fact-gather. I can fact-gather and express, but without much sentiment. I can internalize and reflect, but I can’t, in that moment, be experiencing. We are always experiencing, and I am totally backlogged.
Here’s the kicker: I process through writing. So backlogged means I am currently a jumbled mess of girls’ schools and street kids and TV antennas made of metal padlocks and vocational centers and genocide and escape stories and reconciliation stories and coffee communities and traditional dance and outdoor kitchens and church services and landscapes and moto bikes and rainy season and memorial sites and stretchy green bread and music and orphans and polygamy and widows and ancestral spirits and gorillas and laundry and language and ways in which the ancestors screw up fertility.
Plus, when your job becomes your former hobby, you get kind confused about which content belongs where. I feel safe writing about scarves and Wait, what? moments, but I haven’t even told you the basics like where we’re living, or who we’re with, or the type of work we’re doing, or what we’re eating, or what the weather is like!
To make things even more complicated, the World Wide Web is— as you might have guessed— worldwide. Everyone is on Facebook and WordPress and twitter. Gone are the days when I could see something and throw it on the Internet for all 8 readers to vicariously experience without risk of harm. Today we’re all right here in the same space—you, me, and the person or community I’m writing about. I post a story, WordPress publicizes it to Facebook and twitter, and my host sister is reading it ten seconds later in the next room. This takes a special kind of crafting, understanding, permission and respect. I refuse to be a reckless observer.
And a layer below that? It’s about to get real.
Because I refuse to be a reckless observer, I don’t feel competent. What can I possibly offer that hasn’t already been written or expressed about Rwanda? How can I share these things—the history, issues, people, stories—accurately? I can’t wrap my head around the genocide. And, once I stop trying to put that piece together, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that life continues on the other side. That people are working and eating, walking along these same streets and attending these same churches, that kids play and women do hair and taxis commute and bikers bike and people laugh and sing and purchase data plans and watch 24. All this with an entire ethnic group almost entirely wiped out of the population, resting in mass graves under this very ground.
Everywhere I look I can see the stories I’ve heard playing out in my mind’s eye. In my field, we call this vicarious trauma. A tiny corner of my heart feels bruised every time I walk out of the house and look around me at the land, while the rest of it functions as normal in present day. I just can’t make sense of it. The only two thoughts I have, and they’re not fully developed, are this: here is an entire country demonstrating the reality of post-traumatic growth.
If you look at the Disaster Response Phases graph below (provided by my pal Mary, who teaches the Foundations to DMH class at the Red Cross in Indy) you can note the different responses a person or community has pre, mid and post disaster. There is a new term emerging, though, after a post-traumatic event called post-traumatic growth, wherein the person or community, on the very far right of this graph, actually ends up at a higher level of functioning than they were before the event. So, the person reaches a level a growth that would not be possible had that event not occurred. This country is living out that term. This doesn’t mean things are spectacular. There are still—and will always be—triggering events and memories generations deep, but I have met people coping and forgiving at a level I am not even able to comprehend. They are not doing this in spite of the event, but because of it.
God restores, is my point.
My second thought is the truth in this statement, which was originally printed in my NOLA church bulletin on the 5 year anniversary of hurricane Katrina, adapted for Rwanda as we head into memorial month: We will remember [the genocide] and give sacred honor, but in worship we inherit all things anew for this day.
Yeah, you do, Rwanda. I am so thankful for all things newly inherited by you today.
…And then (you thought I was done?) someone posts this article, which cracks open another forgotten corner of my heart, and I remember where I was and who I was three weeks ago, which seems like at least ten years ago. That familiar ache returns for a minute, and I can’t find the words for the prayer.
The world spins, I can’t make anything fit into any categories, my brain and heart are totally unorganized, and I am tethered by a poem shared last week by my friend Kim (I’m always snatching content from her, but God uses people, I think):
You can only pray what’s in your heart.
So if your heart is being ripped from your chest
pray the tearing
If your heart is full of bitterness
pray it to the last dreg
If your heart is a river gone wild
pray the torrent
Or a lava flow scorching the mountain
pray the fire
Pray the scream in your heart
the fanning bellows
Pray the rage,
the murder and
Pray your heart into the great quiet hands that can hold it
like the small bird it is.
7 thoughts on “Confessions. Blast!”
Keepin’ it real, sis. Thanks, and good job. Even seasoned memoirists don’t expect themselves to fully access and integrate their “topic” until they get some distance from it. You’re doing great, just do what you can. And what you have to offer is an utterly unique POV. xo
I am deeply touched and humbled as I read your comments and thoughts… on yourself and this great project… job you are doing for the world. Your words are prolific and strong in the midst of your search for inner strength and competence. Competent??? Oh, yes, you are, my dear! You are so competent and well written, and I feel, with you, the trauma of the land of which you write. You are an amazing young woman with a passion to feel, give, live, and write!
I so enjoy hearing from you, and thank you for allowing the world, “ME, ” into your inner world of self! I feel a part of you and what you are experiencing as you share your words. I am traveling with you in Spirit, and pray for you! Strength as you have never known, Vision as you are enabled by the Father, and Love everlasting to the people “all over the world wide web and in Rwanda, whom you touch with words or hands! Much love to you, my amazing friend!
I love you and I love your vulnerability in sharing what God is doing and who He is yesterday, today and forever. Thanks for your commitment to steward your experiences by sharing the stories, and to honor those around you by sharing them well and with love.
and thanks for your reminder that God does restore.
So powerful, Brooke! Thanks for letting us in on what you are thinking and experiencing…and processing. Deeply moved.
March 24 at 11:44am
Oh girl, I feel those internal groans and know you are on the path of connecting people in a powerful way. Thank you…be confident of the Spirit at work within you and what is at work through you.
March 24 at 12:45pm
Thanks Kathy- miss you guys!
March 24 at 2:44pm