Funds Raised!

All funds have been raised for the September Belize trip!

“The divine idea was that God’s people would operate as one body in each generation. We’re meant to be like multicolored Christmas lights attached to one electrical cord called the Holy Spirit and strung strategically all over the earth. Millions of lights on one cord, with the guts to shine more brightly because we know the others are there.” (Beth Moore)

“You are my witnesses…” (God)

Thanks for shining!


Tacos, anyone?

Today I will get a tooth, compliments of the belly of an 18-wheeler which almost crushed me 3 years ago, and by happenstance, the 4-month process of pulling, implanting and crowning the tooth ends today—the three year anniversary of the accident. Coincidence?

The dollar amount assigned to that experience and the problems that followed equaled a giant chunk to Anthem, a giant chunk to Nationwide, a tooth implant and a plane ticket to Germany. Cash it all in, and to me, it was health and freedom.

I wouldn’t do it again, and I cringe when I think of what lay ahead of me on this day 3 years ago, but I am thankful for my tooth (since, after all, I have been waiting patiently with a giant hole in my mouth for three months!), and I embrace the belief that, in life, we mostly just have to walk around the messes, pick up on the other side and keep moving forward.

Let’s have a taco—or some other kind of crunchy food—party! Las Lomas, anyone?

George Washington is my Husband

**For the purposes of this blog, the word “episode” will henceforth be understood to mean “crapping my pants

I spent Independence Day in the beautiful and historic city of Charleston, South Carolina—where, incidentally, the water temperature was a perfect 85 degrees.

In this city—where George Washington sat in the second pew of the church on the corner of such-and-such street, where 2 men who signed the Declaration of Independence were laid to rest in the cemetery around the corner from Meeting Street, named after the secret church “meetings” that took place hidden from the watchful eye of Church of England, across the bay from Fort Sumter, at which the first shots of the Civil War were received, in the first state to secede from the Union, where the entire movie The Notebook and parts of The Patriot were filmed—in this city, on the Fourth of July, the actual day of our celebration of our Independence in an actual original colony, I sat curled up on an overstuffed chair in the lobby of the French Quarter Inn.

Twenty-four hours earlier, my friends and I (four adults and a baby) drove 2 and-a-half hours to the coast to splurge on one indulgent night and two days—including a Fourth of July celebration on the harbor—in this luxurious hotel in the heart of Charleston.We booked a suite with a balcony and enjoyed complementary champagne and lady fingers upon check-in, wine and cheese daily at 4, milk and cookies at 9, a pillow menu, and a gourmet breakfast the next morning on the patio.

The first thing we did, of course, was put on our complementary robes and take pictures of ourselves sipping wine on the balcony.We had this amazing view of the market below and the bay and bridge in the distance.We could also see the breakfast patio to the left and carriage tours directly in front, but we spent little time in the room, as we were anxious to get to the beach and eat some fresh, long-awaited seafood on the pier.

As mentioned above, the beach was perfect and the meal was great.We made it back to the hotel just in time for fresh-out-of-the oven chocolate-chip cookies and the Kathy Griffin marathon.We also popped open our bottle of champagne and tried to enjoy a glass, but the quality of the champagne really didn’t fit my taste, as I am used to the $3 bottles from Cap ‘n Cork and this was classy champagne.I took about 2 swigs and called it a night.

At 8 in the morning, I woke up with a terrible stomachache and chalked it up to the 4 cookies I had eaten the night before.  But when I stood up, it became quickly apparent that something more than cookies was moving through my system, and, in the shower, I had my first “episode”.Not a problem, necessarily, since I was already in the bathroom, but it happened again as I was getting out of the shower, and again while I was brushing my teeth.

I eased out of the bathroom, and asked, hesitantly—mostly embarrassed—if anyone else had gotten sick.Two friends shrugged, and the third looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.I felt woozy, almost like I had been drugged and asked, jokingly, which one of my friends had slipped me a rufie the night before.Nothing was clear or sharp and I could feel the energy of the morning draining out of me, literally, but no one else had any symptoms, and I was determined to move forward with the day.

We got dressed and went to the patio for the gourmet breakfast.  Confident I had just experienced some strange bout of IBS, I drank half a cup of coffee and ate 2 grapefruit wedges before we left for the market.Halfway through the second block, though, just past the booth with all the $10 Tahitian pearl rings—which I wanted badly—I felt I was going to be sick.I asked for the hotel key and ran for the room.I did not make it back, and had a very unfortunate NOT funny fourth “episode” on the sidewalk in front of the hotel lobby.

For 2 hours, I sat, and eventually sprawled, on the marbled tile floor in our spectacular bathroom, and had a total of 8 “episodes”—apparently known, to everyone except our group, as some form of food poisoning.

Unfortunately, check-out time was noon, and it was 11:45.Our plan had been to check out of the hotel, spend the day sightseeing in the city, end with the Fourth of July celebration on the harbor, and make the two-hour drive home afterward.As my friends knocked on the door to get into our room, I rolled over and got up, totally dizzy, slightly disoriented, with a migraine building by the minute.I told them I was sick.I could tell they didn’t fully grasp how sick, or what kind of sick, and didn’t know what to say or do, so they packed their bags and headed for the car.

I stopped at the front desk and asked if there was any way I could stay in the room longer, that I was really sick and I’d pay any price.The nice desk attendant apologized and explained, since it was the Fourth of July and all, someone would be checking into our room at 3pm and housekeeping needed to get into the room shortly to clean and restock.

I understood.I asked if there were any other rooms before realizing, no matter how sick I was, I could not afford a $300 room for an afternoon or even another whole night.A plane ticket home would have been cheaper.I thanked him and pulled my luggage to the car.

I was too groggy and nauseated to remember much right after checking-out, but I do remember my friends asking me what I wanted them to do, and without clarity of thought or a better plan, I told them to just drop me off at a park so I could lay down. They did.They pulled over at this little street with a park at the end, and I focused on walking toward the tree with the shade underneath, stopping periodically to dry-heave into the bushes, like a cat with a hairball.

I spread the beach towel under the tree and laid on my stomach, shivering in the 90 degree heat, in an achy, nauseated, feverish state for about thirty minutes, when fire ants started getting my arm.

With my other hand, I flipped open my phone and called my mom, bawling and rambling incoherently about “episodes” and achiness and miracles and fire ants, and she told me to get up and to get to a Redi-med or a Medcheck, or, at the very least, a hospital.

I kept telling her I was in Charleston and that it was a historic town and that they didn’t have things like Medchecks or hospitals, as if the town was actually still in the 1600’s and I was transported there through time and dropped off. 

I told her I couldn’t move and that it hurt my ears and eyes to talk. 

She told me I had to get up. 

It went like that for 5 or 6 minutes: I cried about the historic town and fire ants, and she kept yelling at me to get up and find a hospital. 

She asked for the phone numbers of my friends, and I told her no, because they would think I was a baby.I told her I didn’t know how to find their numbers and couldn’t open my eyes long enough to flip through the address book.She told me she was going to hang up, find their numbers and tell them to get me some help.She also told me to at least move my arm so the fire ants would get off.

Lucky for her, when I hung up, I rolled over and my friends were walking toward me.I sat up and told them I needed an urgent care facility.They looked at me like I was crazy and had the same reaction I did.We were in historic Charleston, who knew about urgent care facilities?They suggested I take some Dramamine.

I got up and followed them through the park, totally exhausted and defeated, yelling at my mom, who called back to say she couldn’t reach anyone and wanted me to hand the phone over, while listening with the other ear to one or two of my friends mention something about Ambien and champagne, which spun me into a new fit, because the last thing I wanted to hear when I was completely, utterly miserable, not to mention delusional and irritable and panic-stricken, is how maybe it was my own fault, or worse: maybe it was my period.Double especially when I knew, at times, my friends think I’m dramatic and excessive and exaggerative, which I know I am at times, for fun.But not right then.Right then I knew I was just really sick.

They kept saying they didn’t know what to do, and I could only really focus on keeping upright, walking and breathing in through my nose.

They went to lunch, and I walked back to the hotel.I asked the desk attendant to help me find a doctor or a pharmacy, to maybe find some anti-nausea medicine or Imodium.He pointed me to the hotel gift shop, where they sold two-packs each of Ibuprofen, Imodium and Pepto, all for $2.25 a piece, and tried to explain how to get to a pharmacy.But he said it was too far to walk, and I said I didn’t have a car.

That’s when, for lack of any better solution and too exhausted to problem solve anymore, I curled up on the overstuffed chair in the lobby of the French Quarter Inn, and slept through Independence Day. George Washington hung across from me in a portrait, and periodically, I opened my eyes to find cleaning ladies and desk attendants studying me to figure out if I was homeless or just a tired guest.

At 4, my friends brought me a bottle of water and a pack of Dramamine, which I didn’t dare take.They asked if I was going to come watch the fireworks in the park with them or stay in the hotel lobby.Since the hotel staff had changed in those three hours, and I was pretty sure no one there knew me as a guest, I decided to follow them to the park, with a detour, for them, at Ben & Jerry’s.  It killed me.Not only had I not eaten since dinner the night before, I watched my friends eat big, drippy Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream cones which made me both nauseated and devastatingly envious at the same time. 

I did follow everyone to the park, where I laid, again, on the blanket for the majority of the 6 hours between the time we got there and the time the fireworks started, unable to interact with anyone or watch the activity or fireworks, because every time I sat up, I felt like I was going to pass out or throw-up.At some point I began drinking sips of water and sprite.I believe that’s the only reason I was able to hold my head up and walk to the car, or even make the 2 hour ride home conscious.

I had a good night’s sleep in my friend’s comfy bed that night, and the next day rode 12 hours back to Fort Wayne, then slept for another 12 hours.

On Friday I went to the doctor and found that I lost 8 lbs since last week when I was there, most of which she said was water loss from the last 72 hours.

(Now let me put this into perspective: I paid $39.99 a month to lose weight through Weight Watchers and lost a total of 3 lbs in five months. Apparently, a good “episode” or two will shed almost 3 times that amount that in 2 days. Take that, WW.)

Anyway, she asked some questions, took my blood pressure and heart rate and did a urine test.She said I had gotten food poisoning, probably from the swordfish I ate the night before, and with those first 8 “episodes” in two hours, lost a ton  of water volume.

(Note to anyone still reading this: apparently 8 “episodes” in a 2 hour period is a medical emergency.She said I should have gone to the hospital.Who knew?I mean, besides my mom.)

Anyway, I am on a strict liquid regimen of water and Gatorade for another 5 days, and if I have not yet had a solid, um, “episode” by Friday, which is when I go in for Belize immunizations, she will sample for E. coli.She asked me if I wanted a note for my friends.I told her the receipt would validate.

Moral: for those of you who know me well, I have been on a kick lately of thinking I don’t want to get married.I don’t know why, I have just felt strangely independent and ambitious lately, and didn’t want to be slowed down by a husband or family. But in those moments on the blanket in the park, or the floor of the bathroom, or the lobby of the hotel, I thought, a husband would take charge. A husband would drive me home.A husband would find me a hospital or a hotel room in this city, or at least sit with me in the lobby, like my first and favorite president and stand-in husband, George Washington. Husbands and wives take care of each other.In this pack, I was a lone swimmer, and for a day, I wondered if the only way to survive sometimes is to be a pair.Do you think that’s true?

Whatsoever things are praisworthy

I appreciate:

  • My good friend who put stamps and return addresses on 100 envelopes for me. She also sat with me at the free clinic for 3 hours on her day off, and I appreciate that.
  • A competent and supportive supervisor who laughs at my jokes and believes in what I do and how I do it.
  • Wednesday nights out with the girls.
  • Steven’s constant, quiet encouragement to keep writing.
  • My good friend and hawaiian-hearted co-worker who has shown me with and without words that she supports what I am about to do.
  • My grandma, who sold $250 worth of my homemade fund-raising foot jewelry to all her friends on my behalf, even though she thinks I am going to have to shave my head from lice infestation if I don’t get clubbed over the head and killed first. That is a direct quote.
  • My dad, who purchased a peice of foot jewelry, 5 ducks, and pledged my walk-a-thon team because he supports everything I do, no matter what.
  • An hour-and-a-half with a clinical supervisor who consistently encourages me to keep trying new things no matter what other people are saying.
  • 2 Samuel 14:14
  • My new friend who bought 5 ducks and drove them to my work today without even having met me.
  • A new friend who researched funding options in the community and forwarded my support letter to his contacts just because he wanted to help.
  • Sharon because she ran my mom’s garage sale.
  • My mom, for donating the money.
  • Denise and Lisa because they make me feel like I still have family in Carmel, and because they are the brightest shining lights I know.
  • My neighbor, for inviting me over for dinner. And my other neighbors for not telling on me when I grill on my balcony.
  • Being melanoma free!

Mostly I appreciate those of you who have encouraged and supported, who have not run away when I pull out ten-thousand beads or walk-a-thon sheets or duck tickets, who look at my websites and applications and program descriptions, who understand where I’ve been and where I am going and continue to believe I am headed somewhere, not just anywhere.

You better Belize it.

Dear Friends and Family,

Please take the following multiple choice test to learn what is happening with me this fall.

1.This September I will:

a) Quit my job and sell suntan lotion in Hawaii

b) Go to Belize on a mission trip

c) Get married!

d) Do nothing

Answer: b (Why didn’t any of you pick c?)

2.While in Belize, I will:

a) Model the latest fall fashions from Paris

b) Toss quarters into the reef and wish for a new puppy

c) Work with Cornelius Foundation International to build
relationships and renovate schools in remote villages

d) Stay in San Ignacio

e)c and d

Answer: e (This is an exploratory trip for me which may lead to
a 6 month opportunity in January to teach English and continue
serving long-term)

3.The cost of my trip is:

a) Nothing, I am a lottery winner

b) $2,000.00

c) $4,500.00

d) $25.00

Answer: b

4.Would you consider:

a) Helping me iron my clothes before I go

b) Joining me as a prayer partner

c) Joining me as a financial partner

d) Calling my mom and telling her it is OK for me to travel on an

e) All of the above

Answer: e (But especially b and c. I desire to have partners in
this ministry. Please prayerfully consider if God would have you
be a part.)

5.To make a financial contribution:

a) Make a check payable to Cornelius Foundation International

b) Designate “Brooke Wilson” in the memo line

c) Mail to 448 Leeds Circle, Carmel, IN 46032

d) All of the above

Answer: d (contributions are tax-deductible)

God Bless,


Important disclosures

  1. That new chocolatey Kellogg’s cereal was made for people like me. Although, they really should add the word “moderation” somewhere in the slogan: It won’t undo your whole day, because people who eat chocolate for breakfast are the same people who will finish off the whole box in a drunken chocolate stupor at midnight, and if you eat the whole box at midnight, it actually does undo your whole day.
  1. Ambien went generic last week, and I was at the pharmacy 10 seconds later.I know people who have counted pennies for years because with or without insurance, the drug is $3 a pill and requires a savings plan.

    Well, friends and mom. The days of hoarding and splitting and burying and saving and taking only half-a-pill a night are over! Ambien for everyone! I took a whole pill last night for the first time in months and enjoyed a glorious morning of reading through all the crazy comments and messages I left on people’s blogs last night. I especially like the one where I pretended to have been in a coma for 40 years and just found out I was actually 79 and that my friends and I had been distance-learning friends for over 50 years.

    What a good 8 hours of refreshing sleep. If you come stay with me, you’ll find a mini bottle of shampoo/conditioner and a  complimentary ambien on your pillow. Just don’t be surprised to find a bunch of little cornflakes and chocolate pieces in the bed when you wake up.

  1. My brother graduated high-school yesterday. Not the 20 year old, the 18 year old. Gosh, it seems like only yesterday I was bringing him a box of drug-free party favors for his sweet sixteenth in rehab. We’re still working on the 20 year-old. My dad says he only has 6 hours left to finish, but that he keeps leaving school after an hour-and-a-half every morning to come home and eat a bowl of cereal. My dad thinks he just leaves to get high. I think he has discovered Chocolately Kellogg’s cereal and can’t stop.
  1. I am going to Belize in September for 10 days, and then in January for 6 months to teach. My friend told me yesterday she thinks I am going to catch “the bug” (traveling bug) and not want to come home. I just really hope I don’t catch the tarantula bug. I am actually terrified of those bugs and have spent endless hours on the internet trying to find herbal and natural smells and treatments to repel those bugs.If you have any suggestions, please tell me.
  1. I have a smoke detector that kept beeping at me, so I took out the batteries–I know, I know, totally dangerous. I meant to grab some at the store, but it’s been about 3 weeks. Now that detector is hanging from the ceiling by a red and black wire, and it has a little tray sticking out (where the battery goes) with a bright orange sticker on it. Also, there are those two little lights on the surface that are supposed to light up and flash when the detector is working, but since there are no batteries, they are just black and glossy. So now, every time I go to bed or wake up and I am in that sleepy stage where I am not totally awake or totally asleep, I jump out of bed and scream because it looks like a weird animal is hanging from my ceiling sticking it’s tongue out at me. And plus, the bridesmaid dress from my brother’s wedding is hanging on my bedroom door, so sometimes there is an animal hanging from the ceiling AND a headless woman floating in my doorway. Just thought you should know.

6. I made an appointment with a dermatologist yesterday, which is a big deal because it involved calling my insurance company to FIND a dermatologist and explaining to a receptionist that, no, I didn’t have an actual problem right now, per se, but that generations of men in my family died of melanoma and that my dad was given 60 days to live when he got it at 26. I turned 26 last week, and read an article in Allure that said a if you have a first degree family member with melanoma, your chances of getting it are over 90%. I’d say that’s a problem that needs so preventative care, wouldn’t you? She agreed. I see my first dermatologist on Friday, for a full body exam. Yikes. FULL body exam, wink wink.


Well, I think that’s enough for now. I had to stay home sick today, if you’re wondering where I found the inspiration for these important disclosures. I was bored.

Slips, trips and falls


So there I was at the park for this amazing throw-together cookout (and by cookout, I mean pounds of chicken and carne asada, stuffed chilis, peppers and onions, tortillas- thanks Erin and Ty, hands down the best grill food I’ve ever eaten) when out of the blue, it began to rain. All day it had been 75 and sunny, so it caught us by surprise. I thought about running out to the car to roll up my windows, but it was just a passing sprinkle, and, let’s be honest, I was just too lazy. Ten seconds later, though, it began to really pour, and loads of Burmese kids were running into the pavilion. Since my car was really just down the street, I decided to roll up the windows. I stuffed a giant piece of chicken in my mouth (as if my body would not have been able to survive the ten second trip to the car and back without food), grabbed my keys and ran through the pavilion toward my car.

Necessary background information: I knew only 3 people at this cookout, out of about 10. The attendees were Erin and her fiance, Tyler, their brothers and sisters, roommates and best friends. I did not shave my little wintery legs before the cookout because it was thrown impulsively, it was the first warm day of the year, I had been out all day in capris, and honestly, didn’t really care to change.

So, I ran through the pavilion towards my car, rounded the last picnic table, and, in slow motion, my ankle- the same ankle I killed all the ligaments in during that terrible basketball game my junior year and had to wear a boot on for 4 months, the same ankle I turned falling down the stairs at the Boys and Girls club just after my car accident, the same ankle I tripped on hours earlier in the parking lot- gave out. I fell to the side instantly, but the running propelled me forward and I did a flying face plant on the marbled concrete, sliding all the way to the edge of the pavilion. I laid on my face for a few seconds, realizing I was in serious trouble, and tried not to cry.

I was sure everyone had seen it and was rushing my way, or maybe at least they were laughing, so after a minute or two of rolling around on the concrete I sat up and peeked up over all the picnic tables ready and willing to laugh at myself, and then get some help to the Redimed. But they were all just sitting around the table talking and eating. No one had even seen me, except the group of Burmese kids who couldn’t speak English, but were definitely laughing and pointing and re-enacting the fall. I tried to stand up, but sat back down, which is when Tyler’s cute friend saw me, and asked why I was sitting on the floor. I stood up and tried to play it cool, limping back to the table, where he made me a bag of ice and placed it on my hairy leg.

I spent the next 40 minutes trying my best to converse normally (while inside screaming) and skipped the group trip to the port-a-potty, even though I had to pee like a mother, because I knew I couldn’t walk there and I was embarrassed. Finally, I was like, “Well guys, I think I’m gonna go… I’m just really tired,” and then I drove with my left foot to the Redimed. They had to do 3 sets of x-rays because it was so swollen and covered in scar tissue, and sent me home in an ankle boot.

The lesson here, kids, is this: 10 pounds of Mexican food, 3 beers, rain, picnic tables and concrete floors are hazardous combinations. Slips, trips and falls can happen to anyone, but be sure to make sure someone sees you and that you always have freshly shaven legs. Roll up your windows in advance anticipation of pop-up rain storms. And, according to my doctors, wear high-tops.

He loves me.

You live 23 years just fine, and then one day your parents get divorced. They sell the house, you help, it’s amicable, everyone adjusts and you breathe a sigh of relief.

The next day on the way to work you get hit by a semi. You are a mess for six weeks, but you recover, go back to work, adjust, and breathe a sigh of relief.

One day your lawyer calls and says the guy who hit you died. They make the arrangements, you spend years fighting over medical bills and whether or not the guy had a stroke, but one afternoon in mediation they apologize, admit fault, and settle. You breathe a sigh of relief.

You walk away with a check in your hand after three years. People ask why you’re crying because, like, 20 grand is awesome news. You don’t really know. This is your knee replacement money when your knees go out because they were smashed by your steering wheel. Or your hip replacement money because your first hip was caught in the driver’s side door. This money will pay for 65 more years of Aleve at night. You have paid your lawyer for his work. You have paid Anthem for your medical bills. What you have left is just enough to cover your expenses plus a car and a tooth and a computer. It’s over. And you breathe a sigh of relief.

The next day, you get a call from Nationwide. Your own car insurance company. They want thousands of dollars back for the medical bills they paid on your behalf after the accident. Where were they when you were trying to settle? Where were they when the other claims adjuster got fired for negligence? What about the $100 you’ve paid them every month since you were 16? Why did they not pay the attorney’s fees to help you recover the money?

So three years later, Anthem has their money, the lawyer has his money, Nationwide has their money and you have this horrific memory of being run over by a semi, two rickety knees, an aching hip and a lifetime dependency on Alieve and Ambien. You were just driving to work. And although you know the truth and you’ll ultimately be at peace with life, this is your internal monologue: God hates me. God loves me. God hates me. God loves me. God hates me.

Let me just paint my nails first.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I would like to share some well-lived and learned travel tips:

1. Never, ever paint your nails in someone else’s living room, no matter how good you think you are. When you do–I’m telling you the truth–it will inevitably be the first time in 25 years you have ever dropped an entire bottle of red nail polish, never mind that it was cream colored carpet or that you are a house guest and its your first day, or that, on top of everything else, you appear to be bleeding from the shin all week because you only brought 2 pairs of pants and you sure can’t fit into your jean capris after 20 bucks worth of airport food. Oh, and their house is on the market.

BUT if you decide, for some reason, to carelessly paint someone else’s carpet red, make sure you at least have a best friend who will not panic, who will google “carpet stains” while you run around whimpering No-no-no-no-no-no, who will gather all the nail polish remover, hair-spray, stain stick and carpet cleaners in the house and take turns scrubbing with you for 40 minutes. That’s a good friend.

2. If ever you try to bring 5lbs of baby clothes as a carry-on in a stretched-out plastic trash bag, you will not only be stopped at every security checkpoint along the way, inevitably the bag will break at gate A72 and your flight will be at gate A10, and when you reach the end of the two mile concourse with a heaping pile of baby clothes, you’ll spot a Mrs. Fields cookie stand and reward yourself with 6 cookies (that’s normal, right?) but as soon as you shove the first cookie in your mouth, they’ll announce that your flight was canceled and re-booking is at gate A46. You’ll look to your right and left and see, in slow motion, other passengers around you throw aside their chairs and sprint for the gate because there are only, like, 2 seats available on the next flight. Don’t worry though, you’ll have an edge. You can just follow the trail of 18-month onesies back to A46.

I would suggest that when the airline gives you 2 five-dollar meal vouchers, you just skip right over dinner and get busy at the chili’s bar with one or five of those giant sunrise margaritas, but you’ll find that when you walk away, crooked, pushing your giant holey trash bag on one of those squeaky little carts, you’ll get mistaken for a homeless bum, and people will stop to wonder how you even got in the airport off the streets of Detroit. Also, it’s best not to drunk dial your mom. She’ll just flip out and start saying things like ‘which gate are you supposed to be at, and when does the plane take off’ And you’ll be like, it’s cool mom, I’m sitting right here at A57. Nashville. She’ll remind you that you’re going to Indy and will hang up on you so you can go ask for some help (as IF anyone’s going to help the crazy drunk bag lady).

The lesson here is to always carry at least 12 hours worth of Kathy Griffin on your ipod in case of an emergency.

Mr. Gray

July 9th was two years from the date of my car accident. I barely thought about it, but my attorney called and asked me to come in. I thought he wanted to go over some questions for the deposition we recently schedueld.

Instead, he told me the defendant died.

We didn’t even get to talk to him. No one has spoken to him except his attorney, and even his attorney wasn’t able to find him, becuase he died in January. So for six months I have been waiting for answers and signed releases, hoping to make a connection, reaching for any sign that he cared about what happened to me that day and wanting understand what happened to him. But I have actually been corresponding with no one. It feels so empty. He’s the other half of that whole experience.

I don’t know what’s appropriate, even. To be this affected by the death of a man I never even met? I just wanted to see him. I wanted to understand. I wanted context for the moments in my day when I freeze as I picture a giant wheel coming through my window and my heart stops, remembering what it felt like to think I was going to die.

They say he had a stroke that day. I believe that’s true. Somewhere, I might have wanted to know if he was sorry. But more so, I think I wanted to tell him it was okay.